women jokes

older women:

After being married for 44 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said, "love, 44 years ago we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10 inch black and white TV, but i got to sleep every night with a hot 25-year-old girl.

Now i have a $1,000,000 home, a $70,000 car, a nice big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 69 year-old woman, It seems to me that you're not holding up your end of the bargain.'

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 25-year-old girl, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.

Aren't older women grate? They really know how to solve a mid-life crisis.....

Ima steal some of lukes to get the ball rolling quicker XD.


How do you know when a womans about to say something clever?

She starts the sentence with: "A man once told me...."


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What do you call a woman that's lost 95% of her brain power?

Divorced.


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What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?

Nothing that you haven't already told her twice.


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Why do women have two pairs of lips?

So they can piss AND complain at the same time.


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How do you know if you have a good sperm count?

When your women has to chew before she swallows.

What's black and blue and hides in the corner?

Rape victim

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What is something 9/10 people enjoy?

Gang rape

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A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question.
As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman
beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They
are both quite startled.

The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as
your breast, I know you'll forgive me."

She replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 436."

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A masked man walked into a sperm bank, pulled out a gun, and told the secretary that this was a stick up and to open the safe.

The secretary replied, "You idiot, this is a sperm bank, there's no money here!!"

The masked man insisted that if she did not open the safe he would shoot her on the spot. Reluctantly, she opened the safe and stood back. There in the open safe were two vials of sperm.

The robber pointed his gun at the two vials and ordered the secretary to drink them both or he would blow her head off.

When she had finished drinking the second vial the robber took off his mask. There stood her husband with a grin on his face!!

"See Doris", he said. "that didn't kill you, did it?!"

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Stepping out of the shower, the man observes to the wife, "Don't you think my penis is a little bigger?"

"You wish!"

He persists, so she looks more closely. She professes not knowing for sure.

The next morning the man insists his penis is getting larger. The wife measures it with a tape measure to set a baseline.

Each morning for a week the wife measures the man's penis, and each morning it is 1/4 inch longer. By the time they can see a doctor, another week has passed. The doctor schedules "surgical intervention" and asks if either of them has any questions. The wife asks, "How long will he need crutches?"

"Why," the doctor responds, "Do you expect he'll need crutches?"

"Well, you are making his legs longer, aren't you?"

Why do women have smaller feet then men?
So they can stand closer to the sink.

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Why don't women need watches?
Because there's a clock on the oven.

How many men does it take to change a light bulb?
Fuck it, the bitch can cook in the dark.